Happy Thanksgiving!

It's Thanksgiving!  Our tummies are full and the first load of dishes is in the washer.  More family will be here soon for the leftovers meal and the BIG GAME!  And I have time to update my blog. 

The big news today was that Mom was able to come to Thanksgiving!  She has had a rough month.  The chemo treatments have been hard on her.  The stories we hear about people working full-time during their chemo worry us a little because she DEFINITELY COULD NOT work  right now.  She is exhausted.  Her blood counts have been seriously low and she just feels cruddy most of the time. We had been concerned about whether or not she could come to dinner because her white count was down too low to be around people.  Her platelets and hemoglobin were also really low so she had a transfusion two days ago and we were waiting on a call during the meal to know whether or not she had to go inpatient for a platelet transfusion.  Thank the Lord she was able to be with us and didn't have to go into the hospital today.  She will have another blood test tomorrow but it looks like her numbers are coming back up.  The doctor said they will decrease her meds some for the next chemo treatment because apparently, although this was the normal dosage for her weight, it was too much for her. 

The reason it's been so long since I posted is that I have tried to return to my normal work schedule.  Dad has been such a blessing and a wonderful caregiver for Mom.  It's what she was "thankful for" during our meal today and I am truly grateful as well.  My dad has always been a great man - an Air Force pilot, a leader in every church we attended even though we moved every two years, a college professor and dean, my husband's mentor and my son's hero.  Now he is showing us all how a man loves his wife "in sickness and in health".  As their daughter, I have been given a gift that I must attempt to repay - both to them and to the Lord. 

I have been sick A LOT this month. Nothing ever really serious but some fever and just crud that keeps me from being able to see Mom.  It's been pretty frustrating.  And why have I been sick, you ask?  Ummm, let's just call it stress.  I started taking vitamins today and I am trying very hard to remember that everything I say "yes" to that I really want to say "no" to requires me to say "no" to something I really want to say "yes" to.  Did that make any sense?  Read it again if you need to.  Go ahead.  I'll wait.

I think the most important lesson I'm trying to learn right now is to say "no" to people.  Especially people I love.  We have had two divorces in our family this year and they have resulted in some really serious needs that we want to meet but can't always.  It is really hard for us to see someone we love in a hard situation and not try to help.  It is definitely our first inclination.  But we are learning that if we use all of our resources helping in "emergencies" we will miss out on the things that are truly our responsibilities and the things that bring us joy.  Wade and I are just trying to be led by the Holy Spirit and keep our priorities straight.  Not easy.

SO . . . today I am truly thankful for another day with my Mom and Dad.  I'm thankful for a husband who is my partner in this life.  I'm thankful for a job that brings me satisfaction as well as income.  I'm thankful for two teenagers who are growing in grace.  I'm thankful for little doggies that cleaned up my meal prep mess from the floor as I was cooking.  And I'm thankful for quiet moments in between family times.  Life is good.  God is better.

Mom has been SO MUCH BETTER the last couple of days.  Yesterday we went shopping.  She became tired before we got home, but so was I.  On Friday when I pulled up to her house, she was standing out front working on trimming up a plant.  She looked so healthy and wonderful.  It made me happier than just about anything I can think of.  Also, this week we heard from Dr. Moore, her oncologist.  Her CA 125 level has come down to almost normal.  That is great news that means that the chemo is working.

So, life seems to be returning to normal or rather the new normal.  Right now my life consists of family and work - and I LOVE IT.  It has been so wonderful to simplify.  I know this is where the Lord has me and I feel great satisfaction here. 

I'm sure Mom will continue to have good days and bad days and none of us is promised tomorrow but today my renewed knowledge of that truth is a good thing.

Cancer=bad Family=good

Back at Mom and Dad's.  Dad and hubby had breakfast this morning and then Dad is running errands and this is day 4 after chemo round 2.  For those of you who are cancer illiterate, that means today is NO FUN.  Mom is in bed after waking up nauseous.  Thank God for anti-nausea medicine.  As Mom said a couple of days ago "you do this or you die", so it's worth it.

In happier news, I finished a project!  Okay, for those of you who know me, are you okay?  Did it hurt when you just fell over?  I hope you didn't actually pass out from the shock of that announcement.  Here is my first chemo hat.

I finished it while watching "Invictus" with my 17 year old last night.  Good movie.  Great kid.  I kind of love him.  He killed a gopher at Mom and Dad's yesterday.  It was part of an ongoing saga that included the gopher making holes and mounds all over their yard, an attempt at a humane trap that was merely a snack shop, and my dad sitting on the deck with a bb gun.  My non-hunting dad.  My college professor, nature loving dad.  

My son was over helping fix some sprinkler heads that were hard for Dad to reach 3 months after hip replacement surgery when the gopher showed his face - actually I think it was his rear end that was sticking up.  I won't give more details for those of you who are ASPCA inclined, but suffice it to say, they got the job done.  It needed to be done.   And now my son has a story to tell at school today.

Life Goes On

Today my daughter was in the Homecoming Parade!  That was fun.  My kids go to rival high schools in our medium size bedroom community.  Here's the best picture I could get of her float.  I have this new phone see . . . and I can't figure it out.  I pointed the camera STRAIGHT AT HER and pushed a button and the screen went BLACK!  I had to chase that float around a corner to get this:



Yesterday was my "big" work day.  I got home at 9 and started again at 8 this morning.  Tomorrow I will head out around 8 and get home around 6.  But Friday I get to spend the day with Mom at the infusion clinic (since Dad has a cold) and thats totally worth working for.    She had her blood work done today and if her blood levels are good, she can have chemo.  If not, she has to wait.   So we are praying . . .

I made this homemade chicken pot pie with pie crust maple leaves on it for dinner tonight.  It was YUMMY! and PRETTY!  and hubby and I ate almost all of it by ourselves. 

Short - really short - hair

We cut Mom's hair (off) last night.  She is still so pretty!  She went right in and put on a beautiful, brightly colored scarf and looked great.  It's a new look for my conservative, elegant mother but it's a good one. 

Then I came home and ate the most amazing candy covered apples from another wordpress blog.  You gotta read that recipe!  I'm pretty sure it's a few hundered calories of reading pleasure but it's SO WORTH IT! 

Earlier in the day I took a day "off" and cleaned my windows, did laundry, read some required reading for work, and BAKED.  It was heavenly and ended perfectly by sharing a yummy apple with my hubby! Sigh . . . 

Back to work today!

Your Hands

Peace in the Storm

I am back at Mom and Dad's while Dad is at a meeting.  It is so peaceful out here.  It always has been.  This is the house that we built in 1980.  The back bay window and glass door overlook a huge deck that Mom and Dad rebuilt and expanded on their own not that long ago.  The deck is a restaurant for birds and uninvited squirrels and overlooks a small lake to the west of the house.  The front door has a screen and it is the perfect temperature outside for having the windows open.  Neighbors have been mowing and birds are singing outside.  Friends have brought a delicious meal and I am embroidering while Mom sleeps. 

There is a quietness to this time that is rarified beauty.  I am blessed.  We are blessed.  God is good.  All the time.

Cancer Sucks (sorry for those that offends, but it does)

Today has been a bad day for Mom.  It's day 14 after chemo round 1.  She said her hair is starting to fall out but she's not ready to cut it yet.  She wasn't feeling great this morning and when I called tonight, Dad said she has had a rough day and was in bed.  I am worried about her and trying to tell myself that this is just what cancer is like.

I went over early this morning and she was up eating oatmeal (with raisins, just like I make it) and offered me some.  We sat and ate and I showed her some bargains I found this week (which she admired).  A few minutes later she told me she had just thrown up, took some anti nausea medicine, and went back to bed for a while.  I slept too.  When I woke up and checked on her she had also just awakened so we watched the PBS shows that we both love  the most (America's Test Kitchen and Oklahoma Gardening) and talked about how much we use the information from those two shows.  Then we went out on the deck and sorted daffodil bulbs, dipped them in fungicide and she sent them home with me.  I left around lunch time with some delicious roast, potatoes, carrots, and bread (extra food that people had brought to them) as well as a bag of daffodil bulbs for my garden. 

How did she do that?  How did I end up just talking to my Mom about my life like nothing was different and leaving with food and flowers when she is so sick?   I know that the answer is "because she's your Mom" but that answer doesn't change the feeling I have that I have been in the presence of Great Love today.   

I just feel really sad tonight that there's nothing I can do to make her better.  And nothing I can do to make her live forever.

"Her children rise up and call her blessed" Proverbs 31:28

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I'm thinking about heroes this morning and she is one of mine.

Wigs and Hats

Yesterday we went wig shopping with my mom.  Her hair hasn't started falling out yet, but the shop owner said that her scalp looked like it won't be long.  The very first wig she tried on looked just like her hair after she has been to the beauty shop!  It was beautiful.  I think she feels really good about it.  We loved this shop!  It's called The Egyptian Salon and the owner's name is Ann.  As a cancer survivor herself, she is full of love and good advice.  If someone you love in the Oklahoma City area needs a wig, send her there!

While we were there, my sister and I were talking about the hats I have crocheted for my daughter and how soft they are.  I use "I Love This Cotton" yarn and they are just the softest things ever (next to Charlie after he's been fluffed and muffed).  Here's a picture of one.



Ann said that if I make some for her shop she will sell them for me but I think I'll just make some for Mom since  I barely have time for that.  And there's a certain pillowcase that I've been working on embroidering for over a year that I have to finish sometime . . . maybe I'll give you more details about that someday.  Anyway, yesterday I bought some yarn and doodads that I think Mom will like and my sister called me from Hobby Lobby saying she was doing the same thing.  Today I made manicotti and we're going to go to Mom and Dad's for lunch.  Maybe afterward my sister and I can look at the stuff we bought. 

Yay for manicotti!  And yay for new yarn!  And yay for Ann and beautiful wigs!  And yay for soft chemo hats! 

Charlie

We have a dog that I will always call "puppy".  His name is Charlie and I think he is the perfect dog - except for the occasional puking on my new carpet.  He is an armful of soft fluff and I still love his kisses - on the cheek or anywhere but my mouth.  He is relentless when he wants to play fetch, unless it's time to go to sleep.  Then he snuggles up as close to you as he can get, sometimes giving you a back ache by morning, which he makes up for by bringing you his ball. 

This is what he looks like when he wants me to play and I need to work. 

No wonder I can't seem to get much done on that book I'm trying to write! 

This is what he looked like the day he came to live with us:

The head tilt still cracks me up 2 1/2 years later.  And he uses it to his advantage - like when you are getting on to him for something, he will sit down and tilt his head at you which makes him entirely too adorable to discipline.  But he is actually pretty disciplined.  He is my easiest child - by far.  He obeys really well, wants to go outside to use the potty (unless his apple cart is VERY UPSET), and makes us feel like really good doggie parents.

Charlie needs to be brushed every other day to keep from getting mats and he needs to be bathed once a week to keep from getting disgusting.  He really should go to the groomer once a month but since his haircuts cost more than mine, he only goes when I can't make him look decent anymore.  This is what he looked like one Sunday morning about 10 minutes before we needed to leave for church:

That Sunday someone stayed home.

This month since I have been at the hospital about half the time, Charlie has been pretty neglected.  Finally today, I stayed home for a while and gave the puppy a bath.  He usually hates baths but I think he actually knew he felt better after this one.  I love the crazy run around the house after the bath routine.  That's when the ball game gets serious!

The hubby and I are going to Branson later this week for a conference.  I'm going to miss that puppy!  Maybe we should bring him with us.  He makes a pretty good traveling companion . . .

Good and Pleasant

About a month ago my mother had surgery for ovarian cancer.  She seemed to be recovering very nicely while she was in the hospital but we began to be concerned about her while she was recovering at home and at her two week follow up appointment, we learned that she had not healed properly and required another surgery.  That was 10 days ago and we expect to be in the hospital for another week.  One of my sisters has come from Alabama to help and what was expected to be a one month visit has turned into what will probably be two months.  My other sister has come twice for long weekends to relieve us and to see Mom.

During this time out of respect for my mother's privacy as well as her need for rest we have asked that she not have visitors at the hospital and have not relied heavily on friends to stay with her.  My father was recovering from hip surgery (which he had a week before she was diagnosed) so he needed help at home and driving to and from everywhere he went.  For this reason my sister and I divided our time with Mom into 24 hour shifts, every other day.  I have to admit I was really worried about how exhausted I would become but instead I have found it to be a really blessed time.

During the days that Mom was drifting in and out of wakefulness without really waking completely, it was such a joy to care for her and to share the burden with my sister.  So many times I was reminded of the times my mother came to care for me when my children were born.  She would stay with us for two weeks, cooking, cleaning, and caring for the baby while we slept.  Her advice and tenderness during those days made our homecomings almost magical in spite of medical complications. 

As my sisters and I have worked together to take care of mom we have also watched out for one another, listening, advising, crying together, sharing our fears and thoughts as well as our prayers and hopes.  I have been so grateful for the time with them and for our love for one another and I'm so aware that not every family has this kind of harmony and ability to work together.  It is truly a blessing from God. 

Each day has new challenges and new victories and we do not know what the future holds but we know that we have a loving Father who does know the future and holds it in His hands.  And we know that we will walk into that future together, grateful for the time that we have.

Psalm 133:1, 3 "Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity. . . For there the LORD has commanded the blessing, life forevermore." (ESV)

surrounding me

I was born into great love,

that I did nothing to deserve

A fierce love that required my very best

I am surrounded by deep love

that comforts me and gives me life

And takes life from me,

making it beautiful.

 

Crepe-y Necks and Gratitude

“I just looked at my neck and realized it has gotten really crepe-y lately!” 

“Now would probably be a good time to stop looking at your neck.” 

The timeframe of this text conversation included my 17 year old son’s car being totaled by a reckless driver (not him) the weekend before we closed on a house on Tuesday that we had to get painted, re-carpeted and moved into on Saturday so that our renters could move into the house we were vacating on Sunday.  And those were the minor details of that week.  The major parts of that week were that my father had just had hip replacement surgery the week before and the day that I said that, my mother had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. 

Well, that certainly puts that into perspective doesn’t it?  What a silly thing to even think about!  Who cares if my neck gets crepe-y?  Newsflash!  If you live long enough, your neck is going to get crepe-y!  And apparently, from all the stars that have surgically smooth faces but still have crepe-y necks, you can’t really get that fixed.  So, bring it on!  Bring on the crepe-y neck, Lord.  And thank you for my son’s safety and the beautiful house and the renters who were ready right away!  And if I’m going to ask for anything Lord, it’s this – that you would heal my mom and give us many more years and much more crepe-yness  together!

Matthew 6:27 “And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?”

The Way of Love

In my journey through the Old Testament passages that Jesus teaches from I came to a passage in Matthew 5:19 that says "whoever relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever does them and teaches them will be called greatest in the kingdom of heaven." This one stopped me in my tracks because in Acts 10, Peter was told to eat 'unclean' foods although one of the commandments is to not eat unclean foods. So I found myself asking Jesus what he meant by that.

Galatians 3 and 4 were a huge help in understanding the relationship between the old and new covenants and their requirements. It vehemently points out that we are saved by faith and not by the law but it says that the law was a "guardian" to lead us to Jesus. This guardian did at least two things. It showed us what God's standard is and then it taught us that we can't do it! That leaves us in a terrible position from which we cry out "who will save me from the righteous judgment of God?" From that position we look for someone to save us and Jesus comes to us and says, "I fulfilled all of the righteous requirements of the law in your place." Whew!

So, does that just let us off the hook? In one way, yes and in another way, no. Yes, we are off the hook and do not have to fulfill the requirements of the law to be saved. Jesus did that for us and through faith in Him we participate in his perfection. But it also doesn't let us "off the hook" of the standard of God. As a matter of fact, in Matthew 5 Jesus shows us that the standard is higher. The standard is love.

Love says 'not only will I not murder someone, but I won't call someone names. In fact, I will seek reconciliation with my enemy as a higher priority than my religious acts.' Love says 'of course I wouldn't commit adultery against my spouse but I won't even allow my mind to go there. In fact, I take my personal holiness so seriously that I would pluck out my eye or cut off my hand rather than allow those parts of my body to lead me astray.' Love makes me a person of integrity so that I don't have to swear for people to believe me but I can just say 'yes' or 'no' and let that be that.

It is only as we are led by the Spirit of God that this kind of life changing love can flow through us. Our flesh sets itself against this kind of love and fights against it our whole life. Only through abiding in Jesus can we bear this fruit for "apart from him we can do nothing".(John 15:5)

Jesus and John the Baptist

My sister and I have sons who are about the same age difference as Jesus and John. These boys LOVE each other. If they could be together 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, they would. They don't remember a time they weren't in each other's lives. They have never lived in the same town but when the families are in town, they are together. It would be a cardinal sin to keep them apart.

I wonder if Jesus and John were like that. Think about the things we know about their relationship. When Mary visited Elizabeth at the beginning of Mary's pregnancy and the end of Elizabeth's, John leapt in Elizabeth's womb as he recognized Jesus in Mary's womb. They were aware of each other in a profound way even before their births. John's entire life purpose was to "prepare the way of" his cousin, Jesus. This was very serious I'm sure, but they were also boys and teenagers together. Can't you just picture them chasing each other and wrestling, making messes and discovering things together? As they grew up, what did they talk about?

In Matthew 4:12 we read some words that we could skip over pretty easily. It says "when (Jesus) heard that John had been arrested, he withdrew into Galilee." And then we see Jesus moving from Nazareth to Capernaum "so that" a messianic prophecy would be fulfilled. Then at the end of this passage in verse 17 it says, "From that time Jesus began to preach, saying, 'Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.'" Remember who was saying that in chapter 3, verse 2? This was John's message as he prepared the way for Jesus and this is now Jesus' message as he begins his ministry, the ministry that John prepared the way for.

This is very poignant to me as I think about Nelson and Mitch. Their love for each other has woven their lives into a fabric in ways that will never be completely separated. They are a part of each other. This is what I see in Matthew 4:12-17. Our Lord had a close friend and cousin who was arrested for preparing the way for His ministry. It affected him. "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize . . . "

The Weapons of HIS Warfare

I am currently enjoying a Bible study on the scriptures that Jesus quoted during His time here. It's something I've wanted to do for a while but am just now getting around to. I am struck by the thought of the Author of the Bible reading and meditating on scripture and then using it to do spiritual warfare. Today I am looking at Matthew 4 and Deuteronomy 6-8.

In Matthew 4:2,3 we see Jesus being “led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3And the tempter came . . .” This is not the first time I remember God using the devil to tempt people (see Job 1:12 ). The first thing I see in this passage is that God is sovereign even over the tempter and the thief (Jn 10:10).

The first temptation presented by the devil was to turn the rocks into stone. This was after 40 days of fasting and the Bible says Jesus was hungry. Huh, ya think?! But Jesus answers him with “man shall not live by bread alone” from Deut 8:3.

Then Satan seems to say ‘so, we’re going to sword fight, huh (Eph 6:17)? Well, I know how to play that game!’ and thrusts with Ps 91:11, 12 “'He will command his angels concerning you’ and ‘On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone’” at Jesus. Jesus parries this thrust with Deut 6:16 “"You shall not put the LORD your God to the test,”.

Then Satan delivers what he probably thought would be a death blow, since it was the temptation he fell to when he wanted to be worshipped. He “showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. And he said to him, "All these I will give you, if you will fall down and worship me.” At this point Satan seems to be thinking that he can’t win at the sword battle so he will see if he can tempt Jesus with achieving his destiny the “easy” way. But Jesus doesn't throw down his sword just because his opponent does. He gives Satan the winning blow by using Deut 6:13 and I Sam 7:3 and says “You shall worship the Lord your God and Him only shall you serve.' At this, Satan left him and angels came to minister to him.

I am really moved to imagine my Lord in the desert, not eating physical food, but eating "every Word the proceeds from the mouth of God". I wonder if he had been meditating on Deuteronomy 6-8 during his fast. I know in my own life the Lord shows me things in the Word that I will need in the next battle and I wonder if He was doing the same thing with Jesus during the 40 days. Wow!

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin." Hebrews 4:15

Wow! It's been forever!

Well, someday I'll learn not to say "tomorrow I'll do this or that" . . . doesn't it say that somewhere in James? Back in the Fall I thought I was going to write a book and have it ready for the Spring. Then life happened. However, my son is driving now so I may actually have a few nights at home during the week. I might blog some . . . not promising anything. Tonight is a product of caffeine induced insomnia and I'm not hoping for more of that, let me tell you.

The past few days have shown me how dependent I am on hearing the voice of God. I don't know about you but sometimes it's hard for me to tell whether I'm being led by the Spirit or taken off track by my flesh or the enemy or circumstances. I find it's much easier to discern the difference when I am spending time in the Word daily and taking time each day to quiet my heart before Him.

I really believe God wants to speak to each one of us. Jesus said that he is the good shepherd and that his "sheep hear (his) voice". I want to position myself each day to hear Him. When I do I find that he really does "lead me beside still waters and quiets my soul". He speaks truth to me that convicts me of sin areas in my life but He also lifts me up and reminds me of who I am in Him. Without that time with Him, I head out into a world that is either going to build me up artificially or tear me down harshly and I'm not protected by Truth.

This morning I choose to stop and listen to Him. Today, may I snuggle into His branch so that I can bear much fruit.