Longing for Beauty

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I hold in my mind a picture of a number scale called 'Holiness'. On that scale I see Hitler sitting on my right side and Mother Teresa sitting on my left; representing the whole of humanity's holiness from the very worst of us to the very best. The scale then ranges to the left all the way to the moon and there I find the Father's holiness.

This picture came to me as I pondered why it might be true that even the best of us must forgive even the worst of us for the 'hundred denarii' they owe to us because of the 'ten thousand talents' we have been forgiven for (Matthew 18:23-35). We are called to be holy like our Father is holy and miss that mark so badly that nothing anyone ever does to us will compare with our own offenses against God.

Today I am contemplating another truth that is similar to this one. C. S. Lewis said that the hunger for something better that we experience in this world gives us hints that there is something better and I believe it also gives a clue that this world is far more broken than we first believed.

My experience is that sorrow, trials, and tragedies are partly terrible because i don't expect them and they don't line up with my view of a beautiful world that is mostly good. This view of the world is partly true. God created an incredibly, indescribably beautiful world. With each day that he brought beauty from the void, he stated 'it is good.'

And it is good isn't it? Waterfalls and children's laughter, mountain breezes and ocean roars, jungle flowers and puppies; they all tell us that this world is good.

But what do I do with terrorism and the frequency with which the medi-flight helicopters leave the hospital? What about child abuse and pollution and selfish ambition? And what about earthquakes and tornadoes and cancer and amputations?

I find an answer in Romans 8:18-25. This passage tells me that creation has been subjected to futility and waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God and that we ourselves grown as we await the redemption of our bodies.

This brings to mind the number scale. Let's call this scale 'Beauty' and think about our longing for a world without cancer, without terrorism, without a need for mediflights or ambulances. Picture your experiences on that scale, from the very worst, most putrid or horrifying thing you have seen or known about in this world to the most gloriously beautiful experience or sight you have ever heard of or experienced. They seem so far from one another, don't they? Yet, I am coming to believe that what God has prepared us for and is preparing for us is so far beyond the most beautiful thing this broken world has to offer that you could condense that scale to the size of your sofa, with your current experience in the middle, the worst on your right and the best on your left and then expand the scale to the left beyond the moon and you might begin to see the glory of what God intends for us to experience.

We were made for more. We were made for beauty without shadows and joy without sorrow. And we wait for it patiently.

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,    nor the heart of man imagined,what God has prepared for those who love him”—1 Cor 2:9 ESV

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for the adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? but if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."
Romans 8:18-25

My Favorite So Far

I am so excited to show off my latest finished project! 

 

 

About three years ago, I was wandering around Wal-mart looking for garage sale signs and I came upon a book called I Taught Myself To Crochet.  I knew that I would have a little free time while I waited for customers, so I decided to get the book and a skein of yarn.  I hoped that if I could figure it out, I would make the kids something to take to college with them when they left home. 

 

After a conversation with a 10 year old neighbor that helped me figure out what I was doing wrong and a lot of phone calls to my sister, who knits and was also learning to crochet at the time, I spent the first few months making a lot of dish cloths from directions my sister and I found at Chickens in the Road.  At first I kept unintentionally decreasing or increasing and I couldn't figure out how to count the stitches at the beginning of the row.  I'm still not sure I understand all that but most of the time my projects turn out okay these days.  I'd love to say that this was my first dishcloth, but it was probably my tenth and it was still lopsided!

 

 

Those washcloths are the only thing I use now to wash dishes.  They are the perfect combination of pretty and functional, with their ruffly edge and their nubby holes. 

 

Soon after the washcloths, my mother needed some crocheted hats as she fought (and won, PRAISE GOD!) her battle with cancer.  That was a real learning curve and Mom got some lopsided hats that were made with much love. 

 

 

 

Her doctors and nurses usually found my sister or me in her room crocheting away.  It gave us something to do with our hands while we waited and watched and visited and prayed (and worried, if truth be told). 

 

Soon we had a birth to celebrate and I got to make a blanket for this wonderful little boy, which became his favorite, which made my long-distance-great-aunt heart very, very happy.

 

 

Along the way, I have made hats and booties and blankets and prayer shawls and scarves for friends and family.  I made my son a stadium blanket that I'm not thrilled with and plan to remake when he chooses another college soon.   As a matter of fact I have made a lot of things that I'm not thrilled with, but I have also made a lot of things that do thrill me.  I love knowing that something that I made is out there in the world, bringing people happiness and becoming part of the background of their lives. 

 

I think my favorite part of crochet is taking this

 

 

to this

 

 

to this

 

 

until slowly it becomes this

 

 

and before you know it you have something of lasting beauty that will wrap warm, cozy love around the person you were thinking of while you enjoyed yourself, crafting on the sofa. 

 

 

 

(This project was copied from Coco Rose Diaries. I hope that, if she sees this post, she finds it flattering that I copied so closely, rather than irritating. I have always had trouble choosing color combinations that make me happy and I LOVE hers, so I figured copying her colors for a while might train my eye.  Here's hoping!)

The Power of "We"

The other day something my sister said made me think about why we have spent so much time up at the hospital.  As I've posted before, most nights when Mom is there one of us sleeps in her room.  When Mom is just coming out of surgery she needs someone there to give her ice chips, help her get comfortable in bed, and to keep track of all the information the nurses and doctors are giving her while she is semiconscious.  Also, since she has had four abdominal surgeries, she needs help doing things like lifting her legs back into bed for the first few days. 

I've written before about how sweet this time has been and I am so glad we have been there but I have just been thinking about how we decided that this would be our routine during this time.  While pondering that I remembered the feeling I had when I heard that Mom had ovarian cancer and would be having surgery the week that school started and one week after we moved into a new house.  I felt so utterly overwhelmed and afraid that 'I DO NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES' to do this well.  For a couple of hours panic took turns with denial thoughts like 'it won't be that bad' and 'I can do this' but I was really scared.

Then my sister called. 

That sentence deserves its own paragraph.  She called and said "how are WE going to do this?"  My sisters live fourteen hours away.  It hadn't really crossed my mind that I would be able to truly share this load with them in any way other than occasional weekend visits and lots of phone calls and emotional support.  But one of my sisters is a 'stay at home minnie' and she has left her life for weeks at a time to come help Mom and Dad - and therefore to help me.   The other sister has taken time off  from work to come give us a break when she could.  Together we have made it through a very difficult year. 

Mom has one more surgery, Lord willing, and this one will be small compared to the other four.  I wouldn't trade the time I have had with her for all of the gold in the world.  And the reason I have had that time is that my sister called.  She wouldn't let me do this by myself and I wouldn't let her sacrifice so much to help me without giving my all in return.  Because of that we can finish this year of hospital visits with a sense of having done well and having been pleasing in God's sight.  Without her, I couldn't have dared to give this much.  Together we have climbed a difficult mountain and as I look out over the view, I feel peace and gratitude for the sister who said "we".

Cancer=bad Family=good

Back at Mom and Dad's.  Dad and hubby had breakfast this morning and then Dad is running errands and this is day 4 after chemo round 2.  For those of you who are cancer illiterate, that means today is NO FUN.  Mom is in bed after waking up nauseous.  Thank God for anti-nausea medicine.  As Mom said a couple of days ago "you do this or you die", so it's worth it.

In happier news, I finished a project!  Okay, for those of you who know me, are you okay?  Did it hurt when you just fell over?  I hope you didn't actually pass out from the shock of that announcement.  Here is my first chemo hat.

I finished it while watching "Invictus" with my 17 year old last night.  Good movie.  Great kid.  I kind of love him.  He killed a gopher at Mom and Dad's yesterday.  It was part of an ongoing saga that included the gopher making holes and mounds all over their yard, an attempt at a humane trap that was merely a snack shop, and my dad sitting on the deck with a bb gun.  My non-hunting dad.  My college professor, nature loving dad.  

My son was over helping fix some sprinkler heads that were hard for Dad to reach 3 months after hip replacement surgery when the gopher showed his face - actually I think it was his rear end that was sticking up.  I won't give more details for those of you who are ASPCA inclined, but suffice it to say, they got the job done.  It needed to be done.   And now my son has a story to tell at school today.

Cancer Sucks (sorry for those that offends, but it does)

Today has been a bad day for Mom.  It's day 14 after chemo round 1.  She said her hair is starting to fall out but she's not ready to cut it yet.  She wasn't feeling great this morning and when I called tonight, Dad said she has had a rough day and was in bed.  I am worried about her and trying to tell myself that this is just what cancer is like.

I went over early this morning and she was up eating oatmeal (with raisins, just like I make it) and offered me some.  We sat and ate and I showed her some bargains I found this week (which she admired).  A few minutes later she told me she had just thrown up, took some anti nausea medicine, and went back to bed for a while.  I slept too.  When I woke up and checked on her she had also just awakened so we watched the PBS shows that we both love  the most (America's Test Kitchen and Oklahoma Gardening) and talked about how much we use the information from those two shows.  Then we went out on the deck and sorted daffodil bulbs, dipped them in fungicide and she sent them home with me.  I left around lunch time with some delicious roast, potatoes, carrots, and bread (extra food that people had brought to them) as well as a bag of daffodil bulbs for my garden. 

How did she do that?  How did I end up just talking to my Mom about my life like nothing was different and leaving with food and flowers when she is so sick?   I know that the answer is "because she's your Mom" but that answer doesn't change the feeling I have that I have been in the presence of Great Love today.   

I just feel really sad tonight that there's nothing I can do to make her better.  And nothing I can do to make her live forever.

"Her children rise up and call her blessed" Proverbs 31:28

Wigs and Hats

Yesterday we went wig shopping with my mom.  Her hair hasn't started falling out yet, but the shop owner said that her scalp looked like it won't be long.  The very first wig she tried on looked just like her hair after she has been to the beauty shop!  It was beautiful.  I think she feels really good about it.  We loved this shop!  It's called The Egyptian Salon and the owner's name is Ann.  As a cancer survivor herself, she is full of love and good advice.  If someone you love in the Oklahoma City area needs a wig, send her there!

While we were there, my sister and I were talking about the hats I have crocheted for my daughter and how soft they are.  I use "I Love This Cotton" yarn and they are just the softest things ever (next to Charlie after he's been fluffed and muffed).  Here's a picture of one.



Ann said that if I make some for her shop she will sell them for me but I think I'll just make some for Mom since  I barely have time for that.  And there's a certain pillowcase that I've been working on embroidering for over a year that I have to finish sometime . . . maybe I'll give you more details about that someday.  Anyway, yesterday I bought some yarn and doodads that I think Mom will like and my sister called me from Hobby Lobby saying she was doing the same thing.  Today I made manicotti and we're going to go to Mom and Dad's for lunch.  Maybe afterward my sister and I can look at the stuff we bought. 

Yay for manicotti!  And yay for new yarn!  And yay for Ann and beautiful wigs!  And yay for soft chemo hats! 

Good and Pleasant

About a month ago my mother had surgery for ovarian cancer.  She seemed to be recovering very nicely while she was in the hospital but we began to be concerned about her while she was recovering at home and at her two week follow up appointment, we learned that she had not healed properly and required another surgery.  That was 10 days ago and we expect to be in the hospital for another week.  One of my sisters has come from Alabama to help and what was expected to be a one month visit has turned into what will probably be two months.  My other sister has come twice for long weekends to relieve us and to see Mom.

During this time out of respect for my mother's privacy as well as her need for rest we have asked that she not have visitors at the hospital and have not relied heavily on friends to stay with her.  My father was recovering from hip surgery (which he had a week before she was diagnosed) so he needed help at home and driving to and from everywhere he went.  For this reason my sister and I divided our time with Mom into 24 hour shifts, every other day.  I have to admit I was really worried about how exhausted I would become but instead I have found it to be a really blessed time.

During the days that Mom was drifting in and out of wakefulness without really waking completely, it was such a joy to care for her and to share the burden with my sister.  So many times I was reminded of the times my mother came to care for me when my children were born.  She would stay with us for two weeks, cooking, cleaning, and caring for the baby while we slept.  Her advice and tenderness during those days made our homecomings almost magical in spite of medical complications. 

As my sisters and I have worked together to take care of mom we have also watched out for one another, listening, advising, crying together, sharing our fears and thoughts as well as our prayers and hopes.  I have been so grateful for the time with them and for our love for one another and I'm so aware that not every family has this kind of harmony and ability to work together.  It is truly a blessing from God. 

Each day has new challenges and new victories and we do not know what the future holds but we know that we have a loving Father who does know the future and holds it in His hands.  And we know that we will walk into that future together, grateful for the time that we have.

Psalm 133:1, 3 "Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity. . . For there the LORD has commanded the blessing, life forevermore." (ESV)

Crepe-y Necks and Gratitude

“I just looked at my neck and realized it has gotten really crepe-y lately!” 

“Now would probably be a good time to stop looking at your neck.” 

The timeframe of this text conversation included my 17 year old son’s car being totaled by a reckless driver (not him) the weekend before we closed on a house on Tuesday that we had to get painted, re-carpeted and moved into on Saturday so that our renters could move into the house we were vacating on Sunday.  And those were the minor details of that week.  The major parts of that week were that my father had just had hip replacement surgery the week before and the day that I said that, my mother had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. 

Well, that certainly puts that into perspective doesn’t it?  What a silly thing to even think about!  Who cares if my neck gets crepe-y?  Newsflash!  If you live long enough, your neck is going to get crepe-y!  And apparently, from all the stars that have surgically smooth faces but still have crepe-y necks, you can’t really get that fixed.  So, bring it on!  Bring on the crepe-y neck, Lord.  And thank you for my son’s safety and the beautiful house and the renters who were ready right away!  And if I’m going to ask for anything Lord, it’s this – that you would heal my mom and give us many more years and much more crepe-yness  together!

Matthew 6:27 “And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?”

Love the Lord With All Your Heart

Matthew 22:37, 38 – “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the greatest and first commandment.”

This has been a particularly sad season in my life, not because of my own suffering but because of the suffering of those I love. A friend lost her husband in extremely tragic circumstances this year. A client died three days after finding out he had cancer, leaving a very bereft best friend. Another friend that was a homeschooling mother of six died in a car accident.

Also, I am in a season of pressing in and crying out to the Lord for revival in a new way. I feel an urgency and a building up of the prayers of the saints. I believe that America will have her last great awakening or she will fall into such depravity and godlessness that our children will not be safe to raise their children in the Lord. This has become a great burden to me. I sense that the burden is from the Lord and it is not too heavy or cumbersome, but it is urgent and ever present.

During this season I am participating in a national 40 day fast. The Lord led me to eat fruits and vegetables, which is barely a fast in my mind but it has still been difficult. Just this morning I had a slice of cheesecake. I am in the 32nd day and I’ve had maybe 15 days of really following through with my commitment to the Lord. I have seen the Lord move during this time in amazing ways and it’s as if the veil between us has become much thinner. I sense His presence so much that I don’t want the fast to end and yet I also am growing weary, especially with the repeated failure.

It is with all of this as a backdrop that I thought this morning about loving Him with all my heart. What is all of my heart? Does that mean that I am passionate about Him all the time? That I’m constantly saying “hallelujah” and that I’m constantly “happy in God”? I don’t think that’s what He wants from us. The Psalmists expressed all of their emotions to the Lord. “Lord, where are you? Why have you left me alone for so long? Are you ever coming back?” “My soul is downcast within me, but I will hope in God.” “Kill my enemies God! Smash their heads against a rock!” “My enemies triumph over me and I look like a fool. Don’t you care?” “Oh give thanks to the Lord for He is good!”

When I love the Lord with all my heart, I keep my heart turned towards Him. When my friend dies and I am sad and confused, my heart is open to Him and I cry out, “Abba! Why? I am so sad and confused!” When I lead someone to Him, I turn to Him with wonder and thanksgiving and say “Lord, you did that! Wow! I am so amazed by you!” When a coworker disappoints me I tell Him about it and wait to hear wisdom from Him. I don’t just come to Him with praise, I come to Him with sorrow. I come to Him with confusion. I come to Him with anger. I come to Him with joy. My heart is always open to Him - open to His touch, open to His wisdom, open to His correction – but especially open to His Love.

When my heart is open to Him, when I love Him with all of my heart, I am able to perceive His love for me, His delight in me. In my anger, He soothes me or corrects me with amazing tenderness, or sometimes I see His anger about the situation as well and He leads me into intercession. In my sorrow, He comforts me with words only an intimate friend could speak to me. In my joy, He laughs with me and we share something that almost feels like an inside joke between best friends. In my longing, He shares his heart with me, His longing for the nations, His longing for the Bride.

Oh, that I might have the heart of God! His great love! His amazing tenderness! His enduring wisdom! As I stay open to Him, He shares Himself with me. What an amazing thing! The Uncreated One, the Creator of everything shares Himself with me ! I do love you Lord! May my heart be more open to you today than it was yesterday and at the end of today may I love you more that I do right now!

The Rights of the Unborn and the GOP

To see the conversation this blog is a response to, go to http://www.huckpac.com/?FuseAction=Blogs.View&Blog_id=1647.

Partially in response to Ryger, I would like to give some reasons that I believe protecting the rights of the unborn should be paramount to the Republican party.

First of all, our view of the value of human life affects every other view that we have of the world around us. For example, the view that it is okay to kill an unborn child because it is inconvenient comes from the same selfish place as the view that it is my right to strip a beautiful forest because I want the wood and it would be inconvenient to create and use a sustainable source. The same argument can be made for littering and fossil fuel consumption. When we stand up for the unborn, we are affirming the value of protecting what is in our care.

Another reason that protecting the unborn should be paramount to the RNC is that 24% of American pregnancies currently end in abortion. What would those lives have brought to our nation? First of all, if nothing else, they would have given us workers to support the elderly through our social security system. One of the reasons the social security system is going to fail is that the baby boomers are coming to the end of their lives and there are not enough younger workers to support them. I wonder what 24% more workers would have done for that system. Secondly, is it possible that we have killed the great minds that would have solved many of the medical, social, and environmental problems we wrestle with today? Of course, we can never know what the contributions of those citizens would have been but we do know there would be 24% more people born since 1968 and that would have made a big difference in our economy and our nation as a whole.

Finally, abortion is a women's rights issue, but not in the way NOW and Planned Parenthood sees it. All laws affect what a woman can do with her body. She cannot use her body in prostitution for example. She cannot use her body to ingest illegal drugs. She cannot use her body to kill her children once they are born. Secondly, laws are written to protect the weak from the strong both in private and in public, as our domestic violence statutes demonstrate. For this reason we must protect the unborn. But we must also take in to account the dramatic increase in infertility and cancer in women who have had abortions as well as the dramatic increase in mental health issues for women who have had abortions. The respect for human life is a women's rights issue and the RNC should address it as such rather than being afraid to enrage the ultra liberal feminists.

The GOP will have an uphill battle to win this election. This is a time to wisely articulate the vast differences between the Republican and Democrat platforms and the impact those differences will make, both now and in the future.